Operation Contain and Placate

Also known as Mission Bring Small Children to the Grocery Store. Firstly, you'll need to round up a couple of small, unruly children. Secondly, follow these helpful tips.

oh yeah. we're ready to take this public.

 Don't go hungry. Not only will you end up buying half the grocery store, but loss of reason and grouchiness will descend in short order...and that's not even talking about the kids.
Baby carrier. Don't leave home without one.
When you park. Go for the spot next to the shopping cart return. I know, you're thinking you should try to park in the spot closest to the door, but you'd be wrong. There are a multitude of reasons for this strategic location. You'll likely be containing some of your children within the shopping cart, and it's real handy to unbuckle them from their car seat (clearly rear facing as a long as possible and five point harness until they are very, very old, RIGHT?!) and immediately strap them into the cart. This location also works just as well from the back end, when I re-strap the kids into their car seats, load the groceries, and then return the cart. This prevents the whole "I'm not really abandoning my children in the car please don't call the cops on me" dash across the parking lot while you return your cart. Though depending on your day, getting arrested might sound pretty good....just think: three squares and some peace and quiet.....
Let's talk about cart choice. When I had only one, mild-mannered, child, I admit it; I looked down on those mothers who used those stupid carts with the cars attached to the front. I'm not sure why I felt that way, probably too much time on my hands, but after Dominic came along my ridiculous, self-imposed, standards were lowered. I'll push that gigantic, stupid, unwieldy cart all day if it buys me some semi-happy children. Don't worry though. I refuse to pay a dollar for the carts that play movies. I haven't sunk THAT low.......yet...
Hold or be held. That's the rules, as Gianna would say. Younger, walking children may choose to hold my hand or the cart, or they get held. I've modified the rule for Gianna, who is older now and can understand "Stay close or be held." My kids know...run away and I'll strap you to my body. I ain't playin.
Look to the cookie. Set aside all preconceived, noble, ideas about what children should and should not eat, and get the free cookie. If your grocery store doesn't give free cookies to kids, you should probably go to a different grocery store. It's serious business. I've spent a lot of time at Trader Joe's, wandering the aisles looking for that stuffed frog they hide for kids so that they can get their little piece of organic candy. Desperate times and all that.
Be entertaining by being stupid. Making faces while pushing the cart, talking to grocery items, pretending to be surprised that you have children with you, these are all games that kids think are hilarious. The more idiotic, the funnier you will be to them. Everyone else in the store will avoid you, but this can only help in the end.
Enlist their "assistance." Sending them down the aisle to get 2 cans of tomatoes or asking them to throw the toilet paper into the cart helps keep everyone busy and feel like a contributing member of the family, developing their inner sense of self-worth. Or whatever. You know what I'm saying.
Bringing it all home. I like to leave my children in the climate-controlled vehicle while I bring in my groceries and dump them inside the front door. They are still strapped in and thus cannot wreak havoc on anything. Your ability to do this will depend on your dwelling situation....an ample, attached garage means you're golden. A high rise apartment building means you'll have to get creative. Good luck, soldier.
The Secret Weapon. The mission is descending into chaos. Your troops are going AWOL and you're about to declare yourself mentally incompetent to stand trial (what?)  In response to the side-long glances you are receiving, announce loudly, and cheerfully (if you don't have any cheer left, just fake it. No one will know) "Don't you just hate it when they act their age?????" and then get.out.

Mission accomplished

Same Ol' Question (Guest Post)

I'd like to take a minute to get to know you all.  It is my wife who has been so brutally ripped from our home life to serve the blogging addictions of you all.  If anyone here in the blogosphere gets a sec, let my wife know that while she is away in Washington DC I have daily had the following experience:

 Now that you all understand my plight, on with my most amazing, awesomely disappointing, but OMG I tried to keep this thing going while you were gone posts.

Imagine being in Heaven when God decided to let the angels know that one day, after Eve blew it (alright alright it was a joint effort) His Son would come to Earth to save the souls of men.  Imagine being told that you would one day have to worship this human if you wanted any part of God's Heavenly Kingdom.  Now imagine St. Michael destroying you and giving you the boot out of Heaven.  Why'd he have to go?  Simple, he said "I will not serve!"

Though I knew it, it dawned on me a couple weeks ago that my entire life constantly begs the question of me "Will you serve?" Examples below:


*Kids wake up on a Saturday somewhere around the same time the sun does, and from the moment I hear Dominic thrashing about I know the question is coming.  "Babe?"...."Yea?" (like I don't know what's coming).  "Um, will you get up with him?"....the gavel has dropped and while my eyes are still gritted shut from the freakin' sandman, I'm asked "Will you serve?"  Recently, my track record is amazing, in fact I responded positively to this 3 times in a row now.  You know what that means....

*That same day we are at a get together at a friend's house.  It's about 105 degrees outside and the only people that want to be outside are those shorter than 3 feet tall, in bathing suits, sitting in baby pools.  Gianna is outside with me, Dominic makes his wrestling like entry into the ring.  Then I see it:  Anne is preparing to shut the door behind him as Dominic walks past the piping hot grill he MUST be interested in.  I already see it coming, I get a quick moment to contemplate.  "Babe?"  "Yea?"  "Dominic's outside will you keep an eye on him?"  "Sure."

*Lastly, the day ends, kids are exhausted, we go home and each put one kid to bed (don't even get me started on how I try to calculate which kid will be quickest and easiest that night, it's a science).  As they fall asleep, the house grows quiet and Anne and I usually settle in for a nice chat to reflect on the day, if we're on our game we'll pray, and as I'm sitting there feeling Holy (I served today, oh yea!) it happens.  Incredibly, I almost always hear Dominic's cry before Anne and know that I'm staring down the barrel of the question.  This one, interestingly is packaged differently, it's less of a request and more of a pleading.  "Babe, will you try?"  "Try" here means, "I get that you don't have "the boob" and it isn't always going work out but if you'd try it'd buy me 15 minutes to: look at facebook / prepare a blog post / gather my sanity."  "Yea {I'll serve}"

When I'm really on my game I actually do all these things unprompted and with some zeal (Fr. Sherry from our weekly pre-marriage counseling classes, each and EVERY week, for 9 months would be proud).  As is my custom, I typically go kicking and screaming, but every now and then a hint of "the man" in me comes out and I go ready to face the battle raging within the Domestic Church that is my home that day.  Not only will I change that diaper, I'm going to incense his bottom.  Who needs help wiping after going potty?  What is that?  Poop ya say?  Sure, I'll help wipe that off (side note, after wiping a kids bottom after pooping with dry toilet paper I've come to question the cleanliness of everyone I'm around--you ever seen that?  Wet wipe anyone?)!

We coulda gone into the gas station, but this was more fun!

Just as Peter attempted to remove The Cross from Christ when he said ""God forbid, Lord! No such thing shall ever happen to you" (in Matthew 16:22) and the Lord responded  "Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do." (Matthew 16:23) so is my nature to "get the most with the least" and try to remove the Cross from my day.  Ultimately each day I'm asked "will I serve? Will I pick up my Cross and follow the Lord."  It is the times that I do that, as I stare them in the face seem the most difficult, yet as I reflect on them after seem easy and most rewarding.  Thus the Lord says "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light." (Matthew 11 29:30)  Indeed when we think as God thinks, in an ever-present manner, we find our Lord, Truth himself, spoke honestly.