Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Ballin' On A Budget

There's couponing, and extreme couponing, and memorizing unit prices, and making spread sheets and whatever. Then, there's me. I don't buy stuff that has coupons and I can't memorize numbers because I hate them, and spread sheets.....well, I don't really even know where Microsoft Excel is on the computer. Plus, I'm a pretty lazy person. Instead, I've come up with some really stupid, really ridiculous ways to save money that probably don't help the bottom line in the end so much as they just make me feel like I am saving money. Today, I share with you my secrets.

-you should always accept left-overs from family members. Especially if they come in tupperware. Especially if the family member isn't expecting the return of the tupperware. Consider it your stimulus package. A bail-out, if you will.

-don't buy those silly bag clips. Those things cost like, $3!!! Instead, hoard twistie ties. Impose serious crack-downs on the people who foolishly try to throw these fantastic pieces of plastic in the trash.

-I haven't purchased plastic baggies in a long time. For one thing, I keep forgetting to put them on my list, and for another, they cost MONEY! Sure, I could scour my neighbor's newspaper for a coupon and somehow end up getting Kroger to pay ME for buying plastic baggies, but that's not as fun. What's more fun is to reach for the baggies when you need to, say, preserve the last two pieces of bacon, and realize, "Dangit. Forgot to get baggies again." But no matter. You've got all that free tupperware. Then you end up with stupid situations like this:

 because your children have stolen all the normal sized tupperware, and your spouse has left the rest of it in a moldy pile at work.

-it's important to remember that sometimes functionality has a beauty over and above actual appearance when the object in question was free.

-when a light bulb goes out, simply steal a light bulb from a lesser-used light, and replace. Ok, so this tip doesn't actually save you money but it will postpone the purchase of new light bulbs, which creates money you can use to buy more bacon.

-another thing I hoard is brown paper bags, especially the ones from Trader Joe's, because they have those nifty handles. This is your wrapping paper. Stick a bag in a shredder, and this is your Easter basket grass. So green. So cheap!

-speaking of wrapping paper, never, under any circumstances, should you throw away gift bags. These need to be hoarded as well. It's perfectly acceptable to use a bright pink "It's a girl!" bag for your father-in-law's birthday present. He understands, you see, because he's been putting up with your ridiculousness for a long time now.

-are you out of soap? Don't buy more, make more!! Don't worry, I'm not talking about the people who actually make soap, and know about saponification and chemistry and crap. I'm talking about screwing off the lid to the soap dispenser, adding some water, and giving it a good shake. Voila! Soap. Works well for shampoo and conditioner, too.
I made this soap!

-change is not real money. Save your change in a jar and raid it when you want to buy stuff that is not really in your budget, like Starbucks coffee or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzards. It's like it never happened.

I realize that putting off the purchase of light bulbs and making watery soap is not making me rich over here. That's ok. I'm just tryin' to make a dollar out of fifty. You know. And amuse myself.
This obviously has nothing to with saving money. It's just funny.


  1. You crack me up!!! Seriously girl, cut some coupons! ;)

  2. Love it! Also, don't spend your money on holiday decorations, just buy a Halloween decoration for your door and tape signs over the "Happy Halloween" part of the picture to reflect the actual time of year. Why can't a Pumpkin wish everyone a Happy Presidents' Day? Cha Ching! Thanks for reminding me of our college days!

  3. put some water in the soap, shake it up... mo' soap!!


  4. Brilliant, simply brilliant, most def earns you a nomination for the Nobel.